It’s been a while since my last post, which was kind of intense. I don’t really know how I feel right now; definitely better than I did when I was writing that post. But I’m still feeling stressed, anxious, confused and conflicted.

I am currently looking for a job. I knew that finding a job after graduating college would be hard, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Everyone who is hiring wants a minimum of 2 years of experience, which obviously I don’t have, so I can’t apply for the jobs that I find in the newspaper or online. Instead, I’ve sent my resume to everyone I know with connections, and I have been sending it to companies I would like to work at as well. Unsurprisingly, I haven’t heard back from anyone. The people I know told me they would pass on my resume to people they know, but after that, I hear nothing.

It sucks really bad for many reasons. First of all, I feel like I am disappointing my parents. They’ve told me a million times that finding a job isn’t easy, and it takes time, but I can’t help feeling like there is something wrong with me, and that they’re disappointed in me. They spent so much for my education, and they’re still providing for me, and I feel like useless loser. Secondly, I’m so damn bored. I spend all my time at home, and while it has been good to catch up on my reading and gaming after being so deprived of both during my exam time, it’s gotten to a point where I am so restless. Recently things have been a little better, because I have a student who I tutor, so I spend most of my time preparing lessons for her. But I only see her once a week, and there’s only so much prep I can do. Finally, I just feel like a failure. So many people who I graduated with already have jobs, or they’ve moved on to their post graduate studies or their second degree. So when I see and hear about them, I feel so worthless. I’m trying really hard to let go of all these negative thoughts, but I feel like I can’t catch a break so that’s proving to be very difficult.

In addition to the stress of looking for a job when no one seems to be hiring at all, let alone hiring people with no experience, I am also trying to figure out how I can even get a job when I have terrible anxiety and am terrified of failure. Interviews are a train wreck because of my anxiety, and the fear of failing is preventing me from putting myself out there more than I am right now. And I also have to deal with social anxiety, which makes me not want to even have a job for the most part, because interacting with new people is so damn terrifying.

And I don’t even know what type of a job I want. At first, I was looking for jobs that was related to my degree. Then I decided to look for jobs related to writing, because I love it and I would love to make my passion my job. But as time goes on, I don’t know which field I would rather pick. On the one hand, I studied international development for three years, so working at an NGO would not be the scariest thing ever, because I have some background knowledge. On the other hand, it’s not really something I am passionate about, or even really interested in. As for writing, I am terrified that I would be a fish out of water at a job that requires me to be constantly writing, because I didn’t study it, so I am at a disadvantage. I also have this fear of starting to hate writing if it becomes my job, and an even bigger fear of being told that my writing is terrible and I have no future with it.
I know that there are so many people who have it worse than me, and I am thankful for everything that I am blessed with. I also know that there are people who are going through the same situation as me, either better off or worse off than me. But on days like today, I feel alone, and like the unluckiest person on earth. That’s entirely my anxiety’s fault, but sadly it regularly ruins my life, so it’s not anything new.

For tonight, I am going to wallow in my sadness, and then tomorrow, I will start doing everything I can to get a damn job. Hopefully the next time I write, I won’t be such a downer 😛

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