RIP Chester Bennington

RIP Chester Bennington

trigger warning: suicide and depression

Like most of the people my age, I grew up listening to Linkin Park. At the time, I was too young and naive to comprehend what most of the lyrics were talking about. All I thought was, hey this is amazing music, I love it. And I did love it. They were the first band I fell in love with, they were the only band I ever thought about seeing live, and they were my gateway into music in general. And I know A LOT of people felt the same way. Linkin Park was fucking iconic, and had a huge impact on millions of people.

As I grew older, I didn’t listen to their music much, I found new artists and new songs, but if I ever heard a song from Hybrid Theory or Meteora, I knew all the words and I was instantly transported to a time where my brother and I would be in my cousin’s room listening to this amazing new music, and dealing with all the adults telling us to turn it down. Yes, nostalgia is a liar that makes everything seem better than it actually was, but when I remembered those times I felt happy.

Four years ago, when I had just started college, I got depressed. At first, I thought it was just me adjusting to college and being an “adult”. A year later, I realized that is definitely not what it was. During the time of my depression, I tried to consume all the different types of media that had anything to do with mental health, just so that I could find someone who felt the same way I did – to feel like I wasn’t alone in wanting to die, in not having the energy to do anything at all, even things I loved, and in feeling numb to everything around me. I read books which dealt with mental illnesses, I found YouTubers who talked about it, I read so many fucking articles about it, and once or twice I did come across someone who wrote or talked like they understood what I was going through.

I still don’t know why I didn’t even think about going back and listening to Linkin Park songs. I think the main reason was I had never thought their music was sad – it always reminded me of happy times, and like I said, I didn’t understand the lyrics when I first listened. But now, listening to the songs I feel… I don’t know how to put it into words. But I know if I had listened to this music when I felt like dying every fucking day, I would have felt some sort of peace because it turns out Chester Bennington knew exactly what I was going through. And he didn’t sugarcoat it and try to bullshit you into thinking everything was going to be OK.

Hearing about his death was an actual shock to me. I have never felt particularly upset when celebrities have died, but then again, no one I truly admire has died. But when I saw the news about Chester Bennington, I was so sad and upset. At first, I was so confused, why did I feel this way when I hadn’t listened to their music in ages, and didn’t even try listening to their new album? But I was upset because his music was such an important part of my childhood and teenage years, and because he killed himself. My heart broke when I saw that he had hanged himself.

That hit me the hardest, because all I could think was that could have been me. I was so close to killing myself, it scares me to even think about it now. My illness convinced me that I would be doing everyone a favor by doing it, and everyone would be better off without me. It convinced me that there was no one who would care if I just didn’t wake up one day. But my illness was so so wrong. Everyday was a struggle, but with therapy, my amazing mum who never gave up on me, and my faith and God, I was able to tell my illness to fuck off. And I no longer want to die. I can’t even begin to explain what a relief that is. Everyday I am so thankful that I am still here, and I wish I could tell everyone who feels like they want to die that there are so many people who love them, and who can help them, and who would be devastated if they leave.

I wish Chester Bennington had gotten the help he needed. I wish he could be here. If he thought that no one cared, I wish he could see how important he was to so many people. I wish he could have seen there was so much to live for. But I also hope he found some peace and some refuge from the monster that is depression.

Rest in peace Chester Bennington. You will be missed more than you know.

if you are suffering from any mental illnesses, or have suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. here and here are some resources ❤ 

featured image: linkin park twitter account

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I can’t think of a title, oops.

I can’t think of a title, oops.

When I started this blog, I had so many expectations. I didn’t realize that I would fail at everything simply because I wouldn’t post anything.

I didn’t post because I was lazy, I had no inspiration and I forced myself to come up with too many things that were not possible. It took me a really really long time to be ok with the fact that right now, I can’t post regularly. I don’t want to HAVE to do anything, because that is when I lose interest and get lazy and demotivated. Writing is so therapeutic for me. By forcing myself to do it, it took away everything I loved about it. So this blog is not going to be very active in the future, but when I do post, everything will be honest and genuine and from my heart (as cheesy as that sounds haha).

So what have I been up to? I quit my first paying job, I think I know what I wanna do with my life (tentatively LOL), I have been evaluating a lot of things in my life, and I have come to a lot of realizations.

I also read awesome books, made epic new friends and killed a lot of (fictional) bad guys. I have been having fun. I have been having insightful conversations. I have been trying out new things. I have been making plans to do crazy things. And I want to write about all of it, so stay tuned 🙂

Featured Image: The Odyssey Online

I Do Have Faith In Humanity

I Do Have Faith In Humanity

 

This morning, when I opened Twitter as I always do, I was not prepared for what I saw.

On Friday, Trump signed an executive order ordering that families fleeing Syria would not be allowed to enter the United States, and temporarily suspending immigration from 7 Muslim countries – Iraq, Syria, Yemen, Libya, Iran, Somalia and Sudan. To be completely honest, this did not surprise me. I knew it was coming, and I resigned myself to the fact that no one could do anything about it.

I don’t live in any of these countries, but I am Muslim and I have experienced racism before. The constant news about Islam, Muslims and terrorism these past few years has desensitized me to a lot of things. I know what the majority of America thinks about Muslims, Islam and immigrants.

Or, I thought I did.

This morning I realized that I was completely and totally wrong. And the realization hit me so hard that I actually cried. I cried because I was so happy that everything I thought was wrong. I cried because I was so relieved that there are people fighting for people who can’t fight themselves. I cried because my faith in humanity was restored.

There are so many people who care. There are lawyers running to JFK to help people who have been detained. There are cab drivers refusing to do airport runs as a way to protest the ban. There are people donating to organisations that want to make a difference in the lives of people who have nothing left. There are hundreds of thousands of people talking about this ban and protesting it.

I can’t explain how I feel in words. It is beautiful and wholesome and gratifying and amazing and overwhelming and heartwarming and just perfect. And I am so thankful that these are the people who are winning. The kind people, the good people, the people who don’t care about what religion you follow, or don’t. The people who will help others, without expecting anything in return, the people who don’t stand and watch as injustice wins. These are the people that matter. These are the people that are important.

Pay no attention to the ugly people, the ones who think having lighter skin makes them superior to others. The ones who think that keeping people out of a country that they invaded and colonized will do anything to combat terrorism. The people who don’t care about those who have nothing, who fight for their lives every single day, and who just want a better life. Fight them and show them that they are wrong, and that they cannot win.

Featured Image: Stephanie Keith, Getty Images

Links

Donate to the ACLU

Read these if you feel like you are losing hope:

(Read the whole thread and look at the amazing art)

 

 

Things I Learned in 2016

Things I Learned in 2016

2016 was a crazy year. It was mostly been a shitshow, but there were a few good moments. I think, for me personally, it was a roller-coaster of a year. I feel like it was the year of realizations. I learned so many things about myself and other people and throughout the year I tried to come to terms with these realizations. So here’s some of the things I learned in 2016. Last year was one of the hardest, but I have also learned the most from it.

 

Family Is Important.

I am aware that this is a weird realization to have when you’re 22 years old, but I feel like this year is when I finally accepted and embraced my family. Not my immediate family, because they were always important to me, but my extended family. I spent most of my life thinking that friends are better because you can choose friends, while you’re just stuck with family. But for me, my friendships have always been difficult. It feels like I am constantly putting maximum effort and and my friends don’t return even a fraction of it back. I strongly believe that friendship is a two way street, but when it comes to my friends, it has always been a one way road. This year I finally realized that I don’t owe them anything, and I learned to distance myself from them. I haven’t completely cut them off, but I have realized that there are people in my life who will put in effort and won’t make me feel like I’m the only person trying. My cousins, who I have never been that close to, and I have spending a lot of time together, and it has been great. There is just something special about family – they will always understand what you are going through, and for the most part, they are very similar to you. For me especially, it has been amazing to hang out with my cousins because they all believe in God, like me. All my friends are atheists and while most of them don’t judge me for believing in God, some of them do, and all of them just don’t understand my faith. It has been nice to spend time with people who not only understand it, but who I can openly talk about it to.

 

It’s OK To Take Your Time.

Understanding this has been very hard for me, and there are some days even now where I don’t believe it. But it is true. I spent so much time this year stressing about the fact that I still didn’t have a job even though I was done with college. Almost everyone I know who graduated found jobs in a matter of weeks. I am still struggling. This is mostly because I have applied to a very few places, because I have been trying to find places that will be somewhat manageable, despite my anxiety. It has been very hard, but I have decided that it doesn’t matter. I would rather take longer to find a job than find one that doesn’t suit me and then spend the rest of my days being miserable. It has been very hard to be OK with this, especially since the first question people ask me is, “so what are you doing now?”. I have dealt with judgement, pity and in some cases, disgust. Some days it hurts, but I keep telling myself that I am the one who knows what is best for me, and that all of the people who want to know what I am doing with my life don’t know the daily struggles I go through because of my mental illnesses. So I have realized that while I may be going at a slower pace than everyone else, at least I know that I am doing what is best for me, and that is what is most important.

 

Cutting People Off Is Not Easy, And Can Be Impossible.

I wish this wasn’t true, but it is. Everyone tells you to cut the toxic people out of your life, because being around them is unhealthy. This sounds like the best thing to do; it is actually, but the thing is, it isn’t realistic. Especially since, in most cases, someone is toxic only to you and not everyone else. So cutting someone off when you belong to the same friend group, for example, is basically impossible. It puts all of your other friends in an awkward situation, and ultimately you probably won’t be left with anyone. There is someone in my friend group I should cut off, but I can’t do it because she is friends with all of my other friends. Also, no one else thinks she is toxic, so they would probably rather just cut me off completely. This has been extremely hard for me – knowing that someone being in my life is bad for me, but knowing I can do nothing about it. But I guess it is a life lesson as well – no matter what all the articles and self help books tell you, you can’t pick and choose every person in your life. Sometimes you just have to deal with people even if you don’t want to.

 

Money Is A Very Tricky Thing.

Years later, I have finally realized that almost all of my friends took advantage of my financially. It took me way too long to come to this realization. I think I just didn’t want to believe it, but it was true. My friends were (and still are) happy to sit back while I paid/pay for everything, and then they came to expect it and barely paid for anything. One of my friends in particular is the worst at this, and it came to a point where I had to stop hanging out with her for a few months because whenever we spent time together, I am the only one who paid. She never paid for cabs, and when we were splitting bills she would always pay less than she was supposed to. I would understand completely if she had financial difficulties. But she always had enough and more money when it came to buying things for her boyfriend and one of her other friends. So when she spent so much money on them, it became hard for me to turn a blind eye, and I had to take a moment to just be away from her. Things haven’t changed even now, but now I just take the minimum amount of money I will need when we go out, because that way she can’t expect anything for me. This isn’t something that I have been able to deal with very well. It actually makes me really angry just writing about it. But I think I am just mostly angry at myself because it took me way too long to realize what was actually happening.

 

You Can’t Help People If They Don’t Want To Be Helped.

This has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with, but I had to accept it because it was too emotionally exhausting. My best friend is currently miserable at her job, but she is being forced to do it by her mother, as the money she earns supports the whole family. Every time I see my friend, she talks about quitting and she looks through possible other jobs or university courses she can do. But then she goes home and tells her mum, who guilt trips her and forces her to just stick with the job. My friend is so depressed and she’s constantly in a daze and she doesn’t know what is happening half the time. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that her family doesn’t see the change in her, because seeing her like this is heartbreaking. But no matter how hard I tried to talk her into quitting, there’s no point because she will never be able to do it. So now I have decided that all I can do is be there for her – any decisions she makes or realizations she has, she needs to do it on her own. Another one of my friends is in an abusive relationship, and me and all of my other friends have tried everything we can do to try and get her to see sense. But she hasn’t and I know she probably never will. So with her too, I am just trying to be there for her and let her learn everything else for herself.

 

It Gets Better (I Promise).

This is the most important thing I have ever realized in my whole life. Getting here wasn’t easy though. I spent years of my life thinking that I would be miserable and depressed forever, and nothing would change. But with help from God, my therapist and myself, I have gotten to a point where I don’t want to kill myself anymore, and I have hope that things will be OK. This was probably one of the most difficult “journeys” of my life. My depression hasn’t disappeared completely, but it is manageable and now I know that recovery is possible. If there’s anyone out there who’s going through anything difficult, or horrible, and you think that it will never get better, I’m here to tell you that’s not true at all. It might take weeks, months, years, but it WILL be OK. I promise. Just hang in there, and have faith ❤

 

So there’s my list. It is quite personal and probably a little all over the place, because I’m just writing my thoughts as they come. Hopefully it made some sense and someone learned something from it. Here’s to the new year ❤

 

Currently

Reading: Check out my GoodReads widget. I just finished the Throne of Glass books and I am having a terrible hangover.

Watching: Planet Earth II (so good!!!) and rewatching the DCEU movies 😛

Playing: Skyrim Remaster and Pokemon Go (it’s finally available in my country).

Update

Update

Hello!

I would like this to be the last update ever; the last time I apologize for not posting and the last time I promise to post more in the future.

My blog has been inactive due to a combination of just laziness and confusion. When I started this blog, I wanted to just write, because that’s what I love to do. But then when I was looking at other blogs and reading about maintaining one, all of the advice always seemed to be “stick to one thing”. So that’s what I did. I decided to focus on some of my favorite things: books, TV and video games. But as I was writing about those things I realized that I had much more things to say, and it took me way longer than I thought to write about my books and TV shows and games.

My last few posts have been more personal and I really do enjoy writing them. So as the year is coming to an end, I have decided that I am now going to write about whatever I want, because I created this blog for myself, and no one else.

So there’s my update. Here’s to regular posts and not giving a fuck 😛

 

Currently

Reading: Check out my GoodReads widget, which has way too many books on it right now

Watching: The Crown on Netflix, I highly recommend this

Playing: The Skyrim Remaster! So good, I love it

 

 

Featured Image: vananews.com.au

 

 

Thoughts…

Thoughts…

Hello.

It’s been a while since my last post, which was kind of intense. I don’t really know how I feel right now; definitely better than I did when I was writing that post. But I’m still feeling stressed, anxious, confused and conflicted.

I am currently looking for a job. I knew that finding a job after graduating college would be hard, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. Everyone who is hiring wants a minimum of 2 years of experience, which obviously I don’t have, so I can’t apply for the jobs that I find in the newspaper or online. Instead, I’ve sent my resume to everyone I know with connections, and I have been sending it to companies I would like to work at as well. Unsurprisingly, I haven’t heard back from anyone. The people I know told me they would pass on my resume to people they know, but after that, I hear nothing.

It sucks really bad for many reasons. First of all, I feel like I am disappointing my parents. They’ve told me a million times that finding a job isn’t easy, and it takes time, but I can’t help feeling like there is something wrong with me, and that they’re disappointed in me. They spent so much for my education, and they’re still providing for me, and I feel like useless loser. Secondly, I’m so damn bored. I spend all my time at home, and while it has been good to catch up on my reading and gaming after being so deprived of both during my exam time, it’s gotten to a point where I am so restless. Recently things have been a little better, because I have a student who I tutor, so I spend most of my time preparing lessons for her. But I only see her once a week, and there’s only so much prep I can do. Finally, I just feel like a failure. So many people who I graduated with already have jobs, or they’ve moved on to their post graduate studies or their second degree. So when I see and hear about them, I feel so worthless. I’m trying really hard to let go of all these negative thoughts, but I feel like I can’t catch a break so that’s proving to be very difficult.

In addition to the stress of looking for a job when no one seems to be hiring at all, let alone hiring people with no experience, I am also trying to figure out how I can even get a job when I have terrible anxiety and am terrified of failure. Interviews are a train wreck because of my anxiety, and the fear of failing is preventing me from putting myself out there more than I am right now. And I also have to deal with social anxiety, which makes me not want to even have a job for the most part, because interacting with new people is so damn terrifying.

And I don’t even know what type of a job I want. At first, I was looking for jobs that was related to my degree. Then I decided to look for jobs related to writing, because I love it and I would love to make my passion my job. But as time goes on, I don’t know which field I would rather pick. On the one hand, I studied international development for three years, so working at an NGO would not be the scariest thing ever, because I have some background knowledge. On the other hand, it’s not really something I am passionate about, or even really interested in. As for writing, I am terrified that I would be a fish out of water at a job that requires me to be constantly writing, because I didn’t study it, so I am at a disadvantage. I also have this fear of starting to hate writing if it becomes my job, and an even bigger fear of being told that my writing is terrible and I have no future with it.
I know that there are so many people who have it worse than me, and I am thankful for everything that I am blessed with. I also know that there are people who are going through the same situation as me, either better off or worse off than me. But on days like today, I feel alone, and like the unluckiest person on earth. That’s entirely my anxiety’s fault, but sadly it regularly ruins my life, so it’s not anything new.

For tonight, I am going to wallow in my sadness, and then tomorrow, I will start doing everything I can to get a damn job. Hopefully the next time I write, I won’t be such a downer 😛

Featured Image: e-learningstudios.com

SIGH

SIGH

The word “sigh” is what perfectly describes my life right now. That may sound a bit dramatic, but I can’t help feeling like this. A few weeks ago I got my results for my final university exams, and thankfully I passed everything. Which means I now officially have degree. But the thing is, I feel like shit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad that I passed and I don’t have to resit anymore exams, and also that my parents don’t have to spend anymore money on me. But I don’t feel like I have accomplished something. I just went to class and did my exams and somehow that is supposed to prepare me for life.

When I told people I finished my degree, after congratulating me they always asked what next? It’s a valid question, but every time someone asks me that, I freak the fuck out. I know the logical answer is to just tell them that I am looking for a job, but then they want to know more, and I don’t have answers. I am looking for a job, that isn’t a lie. But anyone who has graduated university and is looking for a job knows just how depressing it is. Everyone wants experience, or they want interns, or they aren’t hiring. It’s constant rejection, or actually just not hearing back from anyone.

In addition to dealing with all of this shit, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse because I keep worrying about how I am going to deal with a job, because the only other experience I have is an internship I did a year ago, which was one of the worst experiences of my life. So that’s great too. My mind is the worst place to be right now.

So this is mainly why I haven’t been posting anything. The stress and anxiety has been consuming everything in my life, so I can’t do anything that I would normally love to do, like write, read, play and binge on some shows. Everything makes me feel empty and nothing helps me to escape my mind, so I just spend all my time doing literally nothing.

So that’s an update on my life right now.

 

Featured Image: lovethispic.com